Notes on Introduction to Logic

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
-- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? (1 ) There
sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

   1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."--Author Unknown

   2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:  "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."--Author Unknown

   3) "Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew Carey

   4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."--Jeff Foxworthy

   5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."--Dave Barry

   6) "Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."--Bob Ettinger

   7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"--Paula Poundstone

   8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."--Conan O'Brien

   9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh, my God, I could be eating a slow learner."--Lynda Montgomery

   10) "I think that's how Chicago got started.  Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"--Richard Jeni

   11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."--Johnny Carson

   12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."--Paul Rodriguez

   13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."--Jerry Seinfeld

   14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?"--Warren Hutcherson

   15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."--Oscar Wilde

   16) "Suppose you were an idiot . . And suppose you were a member of Congress . . But I repeat myself."--Mark Twain

   17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. A least they can find Afghanistan."--A. Whitney Brown

   18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"--Dave Barry

   19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?  Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased

   20) Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.--Robert Brault

Subject: Creation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's
Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want
chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and
as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained
10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the
figure that Man found so fair And Satan brought forth white
flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.
And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast
on the side And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following
the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep
fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went
through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel
Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate
cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children
might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with
a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the
channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the
flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful
skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried
them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer
calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created
McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said,
"You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super
size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

These are from a Washington Post Invitational contest. Readers were asked
to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable description
of the merged book.

The prizewinners:

"Green Eggs and Hamlet" - Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger
through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do
that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a
nunnery.

"Where's Walden?" - Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in
each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear
that he is always in the woods.

"Catch-22 in the Rye" - Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably
flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're
probably not insane.

"2001: A Space Iliad"- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war
against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" - Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic
children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is
embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are
executed.

"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard
Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from
Polynesia.

"The Maltese Faulkner" - Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's
struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along
with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts
to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

"Looking for Mr. Godot"- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her
life. She has a lo - o- o - ong wait.

"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" - An 18th-century English nobleman leads a
double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of
post-Revolution France.

"The Remains of the Day of the Jackal" - A formal English butler puts his
loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot
to assassinate Charles deGaulle.

"The Invisible Man of La Mancha"- Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir,
which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of
corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the
while singing "To Fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a
windmill.

"Of Three Blind Mice and Men" - Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by
a psychopathic farmer's wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" - Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only
to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been
taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously
developed rudimentary technology and regained the ability to speak after
exposure to nuclear radiation.

"Paradise Lost in Space"- Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend
eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and two
annoying children.

"The Exorstentialist" - Camus psychological thriller about a priest who
casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what
it's doing.

Here is one added by Theresa Blair's dad:

How about, "While you were Sleeping Beauty." Lewky, the most fairest lonely subway princess becomes smitten by the mistress of evil. The fate of the subway system rest in the hands of an offbeat family and the magic kiss of a courageous coma bed ridden stanger. Starrng " Sandy Baloney," and fire breathing "Willie Pushman Dragon."

Jokes from the Internet 2005