Jokes from the Internet (the clean ones!)
Copyright issue: All of the jokes collected on these pages are jokes that had been forwarded to me by other people via email. Each is presented as sent including any mention of who was responsible for the joke, if any reference was given. If anyone should consider a joke posted as an infringement of copyright, please let me know and I will remove it, or add the appropriate reference, which ever is preferred. I am posting these primarily as a resource for those who would like to send me jokes so they can check first to see if it is one I already have received. Forwarding jokes to larger and larger groups of people is easy but not very different from spam.
Jokes 2 Jokes 3 jokes 4
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Subject: practically useless info
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man.'
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were
stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
And, the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
- - -
Now that we learned all this, what can we use it for???
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Personally: I would have taken the clothes. It would have been interesting
to see what the town would have thought of her riding her bike around town
in the nude.
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you.
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!
A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a 4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off the wet clothes. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the childrens children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a Bitch to iron."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you were not warned."
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy
should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such
a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY .....
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE,
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the first U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines in Europe were designed and built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who designed and built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing. Okay, why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, when they tried to use any other spacing, the wagons were prone to breaking down on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were all made to certain specifications for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military, as it were) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. But one "nagging" question still remains. Why did the design of the Roman army war chariots incorporate that specific wheelbase?
Answer: Because the chariots were designed to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. So, the next time you are handed some odd ball specification and you assume that some horse's ass was responsible for coming up with it, you may be exactly right!
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. This is a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God C'mon over and bring the kids. -God What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God We need to talk. -God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God I love you and you and you and you and... -God Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God Follow me. -God Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God My way is the highway. -God Need directions? –God You think it's hot here? -God Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God Do you have any idea where you're going? –God Don't make me come down there. -God
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other family members. One child suggested that he was adopted and a little girl said, "I know all about adoptions because I was adopted." "What does it mean to be adopted?" asked another child. "It means," said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy."
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart.”
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in my life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will always remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
A lesson in "heart" is my little, 10 year old daughter, Sarah, who was born with a muscle missing in her foot and wears a brace all the time. She came home one beautiful spring day to tell me she had competed in "field day" -- that's where they have lots of races and other competitive events. Because of her leg support, my mind raced as I tried to think of encouragement for my Sarah, things I could say to her about not letting this get her down-but before I could get a word out, she said "Daddy, I won two of the races!" I couldn't believe it! And then Sarah said, "I had an advantage." Ah. I knew it. I thought she must have been given a head start...some kind of physical advantage. But again, before I could say anything, she said, "Daddy, I didn't get a head start... My advantage was I had to try harder!"
An Eye Witness Account from New York City, on a cold day in December... ...(Wishfully, this is the kind of thing that would happen frequently everywhere...). A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?" "I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boys reply. The lady took him by the hand and went into the store and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?" As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's Wife?"
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of humankind and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
How to drive others insane while maintaining your own level of insanity:
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
6. Insist that your e-mail address be,
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
11. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
13. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
14. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
15. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
16. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
17. Don't use any punctuation
18. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
19. Ask people what sex they are.
20. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
21. Sing along at the opera.
22. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
23. Five days in advance tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
And finally.... Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them jokes or junk e-mail.
Why did the chicken cross the road? (I included these because I saw some new ones)
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was an historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing your highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook---and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
I missed one?
I would like to add...
Ethnically purge that chicken before he gets away!
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor McGee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks eye ken knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As swoon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
This is an actual question given for a mid-term chemistry exam at University of Washington:-
"Is Hell exothermic (radiates heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:-
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:- 1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, 'That it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic."
The student got the only A.
COLLEGE RELEASES THE CLASS OF 2003 MINDSET LIST but see 2014 here
Beloit, Wis.—Each generation has its particular set of cultural icons and touchstones that are critical to its identity. Today, however, the gap in understanding between generations increases dramatically as television, films, vocabulary, and technology adjust the way we perceive and express ideas at an increasingly rapid rate.
Beloit College has once again assembled a list of ways in which entering first-year students differ in their frame of reference, not only from their teachers and advisors, but from those just a few years older than themselves.
This year's first-year students, members of the Class of 2003, were mostly born in 1981, the year that USA Today hit the newsstand and CNN provided us with a revolution in the way we look at the world's events. They have had Sony Walkmen, PCs, NutraSweet, and AIDS around them all their lives.
"This is not meant to be serious research," notes Beloit College institutional researcher Richard Miller. "The list is collected from suggestions, contributions from faculty and staff, student contributions and questions, and reading old newspapers." . . . The following "Mindset of First-Year Students in the Class of 2003" list has been shared with faculty and staff at the 153-year-old liberal arts college as they prepare to welcome the new class.
1. Most of this year's students entering college were born in 1981.
2. They are the first generation to be born into Luvs, Huggies, and Pampers.
3. John Lennon and John Belushi have always been dead.
4. There has always been a woman on the Supreme Court, and women have always been traveling into space.
5. They have never needed a prescription to buy ibuprofen.
6. They never realized that for one brief moment, Gen. Alexander Haig was "in charge."
7. They never heard Walter Cronkite suggest that "That's the way it is."
8. They were born and grew up with Microsoft, IBM PCs, in-line skates, NutraSweet, fax machines, film on disks, and unregulated quantities of commercial interruptions on television.
9. Somebody named Dole has always been running for something.
10. Cats has been on Broadway all their lives.
11. While they all know her children, they have no idea who "Ma Bell" was.
12. They never heard anyone say, "Book ‘em, Dano," "Good night, John-boy," or "Kiss my grits," in prime time.
13. They never knew Madonna when she was like a virgin.
14. Mike Myers is the "Spy Who Shagged Me," not the first congressman expelled from that body in a century for his role in "Abscam."
15. They have never had to worry about the packaging of Tylenol.
16. Yugoslavia has never existed.
17. They have never seen Bob Marley perform reggae live.
18. Jesse Jackson has always been getting someone out of trouble someplace.
19. Strikes by highly paid athletes have been a routine part of professional athletics.
20. The moonwalk is a Michael Jackson dance step, not a Neil Armstrong giant step.
21. John Cougar has always been John Cougar Mellencamp, or vice versa.
22. Travel to space has always been accomplished in reusable spacecraft.
23. The term "adult" has increasingly come to mean "dirty."
24. The year they were born, reports condemned violence on television and in Hollywood films for producing the likes of John Hinckley.
25. They have always been able to get their news from USA Today and CNN.
26. They have spent more than half their lives with Bart Simpson.
27. They don't understand why Solidarity is spelled with a capital "S."
28. They don't think there is anything terribly futuristic about 2001, and were never concerned about the year 1984.
29. They have no idea how big a breadbox is.
30. Camelot refers to King Arthur's seat of government, not John Kennedy's.
31. President Kennedy's assassination is as significant to them as that of Lincoln or Garfield.
32. They have probably never dialed a phone or opened an icebox.
33. The only thing a "churchkey" has ever opened for them is a church.
34. They have never seen white smoke over the Vatican and do not know its significance.
35. They cannot identify the last United States President to throw-up on a Japanese prime minister.
36. Ketchup has always been a vegetable.
37. Susan B. Anthony has always been on the dollar but probably never bought them anything.
38. They cannot imagine waiting a generation to get the dirt on the U.S. President.
39. They felt pretty special when their elementary school had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s.
40. ET, Gremlins, and The Hulk provided their Halloween costumes and lunch box themes.
41. They were introduced to Kramer on the TV show Friday's.
42. They remember when Saturday Night Live was still funny.
43. They have never seen a BankAmericard.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing he
cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Sunbathing On The Roof"
Joan, the well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear end.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. " The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. " No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Well, not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying on the dining room skylight..."
Back to me for a real story. While we were in Hawaii something close to this happened in Waikiki. They have a radio show every Sunday morning from the dinning room on the top floor of one of the main hotels. During the radio show one Sunday people in the audience noticed a couple on the top floor of a neighboring hotel were out on their balcony in the nude. It was clear they didn't think they could be seen. But of course the whole dinning room full of people took a look from the windows and could see everything. The radio hosts called the hotel and asked to be connected to their room, which they were able to figure out with the hotel clerk. The couple answered the phone and were shocked to find they were part of a radio show in progress. Then the radio hosts asked if they would like to get dressed and come over to join them at the show. They did.
So, stupid things like this really happen!
I was forwarded a list called, "YOU MIGHT BE A PASTOR IF"...
(I only picked the best ones to forward on)
a. Everyone stops talking when you enter the room.
b. You've ever lied at a funeral.
c. You always read the obituaries.
d. You've suffered anxiety attacks while playing Bible Trivia.
e. You wonder why people who have some time to kill want to spend it with you.
f. The ideas you bounce off council members really do.
g. You wish someone would steal some of your sheep.
h. The "Annual Congregational Meeting" and "Armageddon" are one and the same to you.
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at them. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off our car!"
YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN...
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,"Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP??
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
THESE PEOPLE ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN??
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make
him jump higher.
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the schools zero-tolerance policy ... not to be confused with the zero-intelligence policy.
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. This is even worse than last year, said the distraught homeowner,when someone broke in and stole my new security system...
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep
hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants, said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
ARE WE ARE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, my wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes a part! Is this her first child, the doctor asked? No, you idiot, the man shouted! This is her
NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Subject: Experts Resign
'From Now On, You're On Your Own,' Say Experts WASHINGTON, DC-Citing years of frustration over their advice being misunderstood, misrepresented or simply ignored, America's foremost
experts in every field collectively tendered their resignation Monday. "Despite all our efforts to advise this nation, America still throws out its recyclables, keeps its guns in unlocked cabinets where children have easy access, eats three times as much red meat as is recommended, watches seven hours of TV per day, swims less than 10 minutes after eating, and leaves halogen lights on while unattended," said Dr. Simon Peavy, vice-president of the National Association of Experts. "Since you don't seem to care about things you don't understand, screw you. We quit." "My final piece of expert advice," Peavy added, "is that all of you people should just go f*ck yourselves."
Michael Leland, until recently a Department of Energy advisor specializing in planetary energy-use infrastructures and a leading expert in petrochemical and fossil-fuel depletion, maintained that the
experts' mass resignation is justified.
"Last year, I testified before Congress that at the current rate of consumption, the planet's supply of coal, natural gas and oil would be gone within 40 years, and they looked at me as if I was some sort of
crackpot," Leland said. "What's the point?" "We'll say it one last time before we pack up and go: In 20 years, you'll be up to your asses in old folks," a written statement from the National Advisory Council On Aging read in part. "Since America has not yet begun making preparations for the explosion in its senior population, we recommend that you begin research on federally funded, hydroelectrically powered 'eldercution camps,' where the teeming hordes of the aged can be disposed of quickly and painlessly."
According to Peavy, despite the vast amounts of scientifically proven and historically sound advice provided by the nation's experts, the National Association of Experts could cite no instances of advice being followed in the manner they had intended.
"Public reaction was favorable to the news that a glass of wine a day can help prevent heart attacks," Peavy said. "Of course, most people figured that eight glasses of wine a day must be better than one. And many Americans reacted well to the news that eggs probably wouldn't kill them outright. Aside from that, they've pretty much ignored every word we've ever said concerning just about everything."
Because the experts' advice was barely followed, the mass resignation is expected to have little impact on the lives of most Americans.
"Go ahead, America," Peavy said. "You don't need us. Watch all the topsoil go down the Mississippi. Transport your children in baskets on top of your SUV deathmobiles. Keep playing with your cute and cuddly pal, the atom. Press your nose against the TV screen for even more educational
3rd Rock From The Sun enjoyment. Use plentiful gasoline to burn book-readers at the stake. Don't eat anything but sugared pork lard. Do whatever you want."
Despite its negligible impact on the population at large, the sudden dearth of experts is expected to be devastating for the American media, particularly TV newsmagazines, which have come to heavily rely on experts for their incisive, time-filling punditry. "How in the world are we supposed to do a story on how the Internet is changing the face of Christianity without Internet and Christianity experts?" said Dateline NBC executive producer Russell Ross. "How can we report on the stress-relieving impact of whale songs without top psychotherapists and marinebiologists to offer their perspective? Without the insight of professors and best-selling authors, a TV special report has no credibility. It may well mean the end of American telejournalism as we know it." According to FDA spokesperson Jonathan Landau, the exiting advisors will be missed, but the nation must move forward. "We, of course, are deeply saddened to lose America's most knowledgeable individuals in every field," Landau said. "But at the same time, it's important to recognize that their advice, however well-informed or well-intentioned, was almost always impractical." Landau said he plans to fill his own vacant advisory positions with"positive-minded, people-friendly sexperts, advice columnists and astrologers" as soon as funding can be arranged. So that's what happened!
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history.
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) -and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don't know, McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft).
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen.
[_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other
Password.............................. (max 8 char)
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /......./......
4. Serial Number...............................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
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[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
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[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal check
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[_] Ransom money
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12. Your occupation:
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Middle management
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13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
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[_] Default on loans
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[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
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[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
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Military Aerospace Division
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . .
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which
until you realize it was your money to start with.
Double Negatives :
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served
on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The
waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the
end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he
was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,he threw together a daiquiri
made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his
regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a
hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory
9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book;
the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the
man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows
readers digest, and writers cramp.
10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -
if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Some of these have been by before, some not.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Subject: Wisdom from my friend
I've learned WISDOM thru the years
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what
they are doing and wave back.
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes
clean it up.
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try
someone else up.
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my
parents are strict with me.
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's pleasures.
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live
so that no one will believe it.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't
how to show it.
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his
need to cast blame on others.
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles
these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet
full of pills.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you
miss them terribly after they die.
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on
hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if
focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new
people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide to do something with kindness, I
usually make the right decision.
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. AMEN!
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. I've seen several.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
"The Cynic's Guide To Life"
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where
you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and
sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just
take another road. That's why the highway
department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.
Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes
the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're
going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard
near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls,
you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of
the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-
snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when
your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to
make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with
someone, try to remember that all men are brothers
and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent
of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting
the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder
to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So
stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you
don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait
to throw up.
Subject: First Grade Proverbs
A first-grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each
kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to
come up with the rest. Here is a selection of the responses:
Better to be safe than.................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the.................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of.................termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.................how?
Don't bite the hand that.................looks dirty.
No news is.................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog.................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you.................will stink in the
Love all, trust.................me.
The pen is mightier than.................the pigs.
An idle mind is.................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's.................pollution.
Happy is the bride who.................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.................not much.
Two is company, three's.................The Musketeers.
None are so blind as.................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not.................spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.................see pictured on the
When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.
Don't put off till tomorrow what...................you put on to go to
There is no fool like.................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.................
you have to blow your nose
And then, some alleged "out-of-the-mouths-of-babes"...
(...cute whether or not...)
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
1) I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter in to the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
2) Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Stilliguamish River, they were quite surprised by a coast guard helicopter that was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
3) A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
4) A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
Subject: What mansions we live in...
Here is an interesting little excerpt from a story that a woman found when she was searching for information on the 1500's.
Life in the 1500's
Anne Hathaway was the wife of William Shakespeare. She married at the age of 26. This is really unusual for the time. Most people married young, like at the age of 11 or 12. Life was not as romantic as we may picture it.
Here are some examples:
Anne Hathaway's home was a 3 bedroom house with a small parlor, which was seldom used (only for company), kitchen, and no bathroom. Mother and Father shared a bedroom. Anne had a queen sized bed, but did not sleep alone. She also had 2 other sisters and they shared the bed also with
6 servant girls. (this is before she married) They didn't sleep like we do lengthwise but all laid on the bed crosswise. At least they had a bed. The other bedroom was shared by her 6 brothers and 30 field workers. They didn't have a bed. Everyone just wrapped up in their blanket and slept on the floor. They had no indoor heating so all the extra bodies kept them warm. They were also small people, the men only grew to be about 5' 6" and the women were 4' 8." SO in their house they had 27 people living.
Most people got married in June. Why? They took their yearly bath in May, so they were still smelling pretty good by June, although they were starting to smell, so the brides would carry a bouquet of flowers to hide their b.o. Like I said, they took their yearly bath in May, but it was
just a big tub that they would fill with hot water. The man of the house would get the privilege of the nice clean water. Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was pretty thick. Thus, the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water," it was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
I'll describe their houses a little. You've heard of thatch roofs, well that's all they were. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. They were the only place for the little animals to get warm. So all the pets; dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs, all lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery so sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Thus the saying, "it's raining cats and dogs," Since there was nothing to stop things from falling into the house they would just try to clean up a lot. But this posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings from animals could really mess up your nice clean bed, so they found if they would make beds with big posts and hang a sheet over the top it would prevent that problem. That's where those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies came from.
When you came into the house you would notice most times that the floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, that's where the saying "dirt poor" came from. The wealthy would have slate floors. That was fine but in the winter they would get slippery when they got wet. So they started to spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they would just keep adding it and adding it until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. SO they put a piece of wood at the entry way, a "thresh hold."
In the kitchen they would cook over the fire, they had a fireplace in the kitchen/parlor, that was seldom used and sometimes in the master bedroom. They had a big kettle that always hung over the fire and every day they would light the fire and start adding things to the pot. Mostly they ate vegetables, they didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner then leave the leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew would have food in it that had been in there for a month! Thus the rhyme: "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could get a hold of some pork. They really felt special when that happened and when company came over they even had a rack in the parlor where they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. That was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and they would all sit around and "chew the fat."
If you had money your plates were made out of pewter. Sometimes some of their food had a high acid content and some of the lead would leach out into the food. They really noticed it happened with tomatoes. So they stopped eating tomatoes, for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates though, they all had trenchers, that was a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. They never washed their boards and a lot of times worms would get into the wood. After eating off the trencher with worms they would get "trench mouth."
If you were going traveling and wanted to stay at an Inn they usually provided the bed but not the board. The bread was divided according to status. The workers would get the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family would get the middle and guests would get the top, or the "upper crust."
They also had lead cups and when they would drink their ale or whiskey, the combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. They would be walking along the road and here would be someone knocked out and they thought they were dead. So they would pick them up and take them home and get them ready to bury. They realized if they were too slow about it, the person would wake up. Also, maybe not all of the people they were burying were dead. So they would lay them out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. That's where the custom of holding a "wake" came from.
From the Washington Post Invitational:
Report from Week 312, in which readers were asked to combine the
works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.
Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" -- Antoine de
Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli.
The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and
characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet" --
Would you kill him in his bed?
Thrust a dagger through his head?
I would not, could not, kill the King.
I could not do that evil thing.
I would not wed this girl, you see.
Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington)
And the Winner of the Dancing Critter:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" --
An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.
"2001: A Space Iliad" -- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year
war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph
"Curious Georgefather" -- The monkey finally sticks his nose where it
don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"The Hunchback Also Rises" --
Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable
clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John Verba, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner" --
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and
family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the
South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is
worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"The Silence of the Hams" --
In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses
unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the
(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand. (Tom Witte,
"Jane Eyre Jordan":
Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls
the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie)
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby" --
Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and
czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace
as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye" --
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep
school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"Tarzan of the Grapes" --
The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved by a strong and brave
savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine. (Joseph Romm,
"Where's Walden?" --
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly
detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he
is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Looking for Mr. Godot" --
A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a looong
wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory
that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia. (David
"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio" --
William Faulkner and Sherwood Anderson tell the unforgettable story of
one man's ambitious quest to nail every woman in his home town. (Grady
Norris, New Bern, N.C.)
Assistant Professor of Voice
Michigan State University
East Lansing, Mi 48823
1 Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2 A day without sunshine is like, night.
3 On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4 I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5 When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
6 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7 I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8 You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9 I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
10 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11 Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
12 Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
13 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
14 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
16 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18 Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19 I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
20 I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we
21 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
22 I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
23 I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
24 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
25 Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
26 Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
27 Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
28 The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
29 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane,
going the wrong way.
30 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
31 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
32 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
33 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
34 He who hesitates is probably right.
35 Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
36 No one is listening until you make a mistake.
37 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
38 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required
39 The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the
softness of the bread.
40 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it
41 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
42 To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above
43 Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
45 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
46 Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
47 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
48 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
49 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
50 Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
51 Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
52 A fool and his money are soon partying.
53 Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
54 Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
55 If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
56 How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
57 Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
58 Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
59 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
60 Everybody repeat after me.....We are all individuals.
61 Death to all fanatics!
62 Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
63 Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
64 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
65 Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
66 Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
67 Half the people you know are below average.
68 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
69 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
70 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
71 If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't
Here are a few other viruses to watch out for!
COMPUTER VIRUSES ALERT
MELISSA ISN'T THE ONLY ONE!! WATCH FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES WHICH HAVE
RECENTLY BEEN IDENTIFIED:
Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails
everyone about what it did.
Reagan Virus: Your coumputer saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus: Your computer quits after two bytes.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then
slowly expands to 200 MB.
Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files even if they're okay.
Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes goofy.
Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome files, leaves, but vill be baaack.
Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Clinton Virus: Gives you a hard drive with no memory.
Written by Danny Dutton, age 8,
from Chula Vista, California,
for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them
to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people
to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups,
just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier
to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable
time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that
to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers.
An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like
preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God
doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of
this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible
lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to
turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere
which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting
His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for
something they said you couldn't have. Atheists are people
who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in
Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like
walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach
the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally
got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.
But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His
Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to
forgive them and God said, Okay.
His dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and
all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have
to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven.
So He did. And now He helps His dad out by listening to
prayers and seeing things which are important for God to
take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself
without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you
because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all
the time. You should always go to church on Sunday because
it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make
happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think
will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And
besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will
be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you,
like to camp, but God can. He is there to protect you and make
you feel safe when you are scared in the dark or when you can't
swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.
But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I
figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God.
Are you still working on the Year Zero problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all
usery rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out
loans. It’s an ill wind.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing
upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y0 problem. I
will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. If you have any
ideas, please let me know.
p.s. Should it be IIII or IV? No one seems to know. (My sundial has the
former, and it certainly is easier to subtract that way.)
Most are quite true, I fear....
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says, "How's my driving call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day.
WAL-MART Job Application: This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to Wal-Mart in Florida ... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! (My comment: according to Barbara Ehrenrich Walmart and other such places hire just about anybody for the two weeks or so that anyone would be willing to work there.)
NAME: Greg Bulmar
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, wouldn't I be there?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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