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Jokes collected during 1999 - 2003
Jokes 1 Jokes 2 Jokes 3 jokes 4
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Manager Accounts Receivable, Organization name withheld)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs)
12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting
words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell)
good gotchas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them."- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded
easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?" - Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts ... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
Subject: Airplane maintenance After every flight, pilots fill out a form
called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
A good pun is its own reword.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Practice safe eating--always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
Subject: Heaven and Hell
Or, I was enlightened, once.
Heaven is where :
* the police are British,
* the cooks are French,
* the mechanics are German,
* the lovers are Italian,
* and all is organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where :
* the police are German,
* the cooks are British,
* the mechanics are French,
* the lovers are Swiss,
* and all is organized by the Italians.
Subject: really dumb
********************
English --- Chinese
Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?)
Approach me. (Kum Hia)
Stupid Fellow... (Dum Gai)
Small horse (Tai Ni Poni)
Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting)
Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan)
I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni)
Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat)
You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?)
Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?)
You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?)
Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding)
Tow-away zone (No Pah King)
Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?)
You are not very bright (Yu So Dum)
I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)
I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?)
You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao)
Remain out of sight (Lei Lo)
Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)
Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?)
They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum)
Subject: Truisms
1.) I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it.
2.) When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
3.) I finally got my head together, now my body is falling
apart.
4.) Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5.) All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6.) If all is not lost, where is it?
7.) It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8.) If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
9.) The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
10.) I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
11.) I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
through..
12.) It was all so different before everything changed.
13.) Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
14.) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15.) Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay
resident.
16.) A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17.) I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
18.) Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the
back seat
cause kids.
19.) It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden
stop at
the end.
20.) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
21.) Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip
around the sun.
22.) The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
you're in
the bathroom.
23.) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them
on my
knees.
24.) Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he
hates
that).
25.) Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26.) When you're finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone else
decide to play chess?
27.) If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your
seat
belt.
28.) There are two kinds of pedestrians ... the quick and the
dead.
29.) An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30.) A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31.) Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
32.) It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
33.) Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better
attorney.
34) Even if you do learn all the "right answers", they will
just change
the questions anyway.
Subject: Heaven
Two friends concerned aboout the afterlife agree that the first to die
will make every possible attempt to communicate with the other and reveal
what death brings.
A year later one does die. The following year the surviving friend
receives a phone call. "It's me! I'm keeping my promise. Every day I
eat as much as I want. Whenever I feel a little sleepy I take a nap.
Sex, whenever the mood hits me."
"Wow," replies his friend, "Heaven sounds wonderful!"
"Heaven! I'm not in heaven. I'm a buffalo in Montana."
Oy, gevalt!
-----Original Message-----
If Microsoft Was Jewish...........
1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
would
get "Ferklempt".
2. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not
getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -
You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear
that!".
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you
would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis".
9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already!".
10. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the
upper right corner.
11. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a
little
byte of that".
13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I
should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a
loud
"Oy!!!".
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise
that
it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
WHAT IF THESE MERGERS HAPPEN?
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make
reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New
company will be
Called Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New
company will be
Called Poly-Warner-Cracker
W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay
Cosmetics and Hale
Business Systems: New company will be called Hale
Mary Fuller Grace
3M & Goodyear: mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine,
All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney
Opera
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of
Women: Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da
Netscape and Yahoo are merging and opening a
company in Israel. It
will be called Netanyahoo.
Hee hee hee... ow! Now what was I laughing at? Ummm.....
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You kids just wait; in a few years, you'll recognize every one of these:
SIGNS OF AGE
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
* The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
* Your children begin to look middle-aged.
* Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
* You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
* Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
* You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf
course.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
* You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
* You wear black socks with sandals.
* You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
* You got cable for the Weather Channel.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father"
class.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
* You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
* Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the
same story for the zillionth time.
* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the
rocker.
* You are proud of your lawn mower.
* Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
* Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
* Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former
teachers.
* Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling
ailments."
* You keep repeating yourself.
* People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
* Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your "estate."
The Ballad Of The Y2K
(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date
RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagent,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away."
But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
[[ key change, the big finish coming]]
There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
You might be from the Northwest if you:
Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans in the trash.
Use the expression: sun break and know what it means.
Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
Know more people that own boats than air conditioners.
Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
Are amazed by accurate weather forecasts.
Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it's not a real mountain.
Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one.
Know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah & Oregon.
Consider swimming an indoor sport.
Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working 8 hour days.
Obey all traffic laws except "Keep right except to pass."
Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain" and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
Can't wait for a day with "Showers and sun breaks."
Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Veneto's.
Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover.
Say "the mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it.
Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
Please fwr this to every southerner you know!
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together this list to try and give the faculty a sense of the mind set of that year's incoming freshman.
1. The people starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has only been one Pope. They can only remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never heared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the Space Shuttle Challenger blowing up.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&M's, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may never have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never heard or seen one.
19. The compact disc was introduced when they were one year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black & white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI and WWII or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Boston, Chicago, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
42. McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV, and it has always included non-musical shows.
Subject: Lawyer Joke....... no doubt about it...
At the station three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the engineer. They all board the train together. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Tickets please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says an engineer. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another restroom nearby where the lawyers are hiding.Soon after the train bulls out, one engineer leaves the restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
Golf with da frog:
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is
shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes
out
a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what
to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf
in
his life and asks the frog,
"OK where to next?" The frog replies,
"Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table,
the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man
figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the
table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He
sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I
am
forever grateful". The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not after all that the frog did for him
he
deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Hey! Truly amazing stuff!
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An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble!. And
has way too much time ...
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
Princess Diana.... Ascend in Paris (freaky, right?)
This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
- Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!"
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in
her
car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and
that she will if required: so get out of the car. The four men didn't
wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad,
whereupon
the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and
get into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the
ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther
down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale
white
males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman; no
charges
were filed.
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up
and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One
customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked
over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked
very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back
of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat,making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back
of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered
and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and
came to her aid.
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun to launch dead chickens. It is used to shoot dead poultry at the windshields of airline jets, military jets, and the space shuttle, at each vehicle's maximum traveling velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough to withstand the impact.
British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test the gun out on the windshield of their new high-speed trains. The gun was sent to England, and the test was arranged. When the chicken was fired, however, the Brit engineers watched in shock as the bird shattered the windshield,
smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Seeking advice, the horrified engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with blueprints of the windshield, and a detailed account of testing procedures.
The NASA scientists sent back a one-sentence response: "Thaw the chicken."
(Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for the use, or abuse, of chickens, thawed or frozen. Launching, and the use of, chicken guns should be supervised by a professional chicken gun handler in view of its potentially deadly effects. Under no circumstances should chicken guns be fired at pesky neighbors, unreasonable bosses or be sold to postal workers, ex-mental patients, escaped mental patients and serial chicken killers.)
Subject: Eggo Sum for two
These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked
competitors to change ONE letter in a familiar non-English phrase
and redefine it.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered J'Y
SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend
COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
ALOHA OY-Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should
never know.
MAZEL TON - Lots of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet
PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough
FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine
VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it
CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip
MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.
AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here
L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge
Hot on the heels of the announcement that he will run for President in the year 2000... let us reflect on the genius that is... J. Danforth Quayle.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could
converse
with those people." - J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - J. Danforth
Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother
and child." - Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. . . Mars is somewhat the
same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen
pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is
water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can
breathe." - Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is." - Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I
didn't live in this century."- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change." - Vice President Dan Quayle,
5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'." - Vice President Dan
Quayle,12/6/89
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -
The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,
though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." - Vice President
Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." - Vice
President Dan Quayle
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good
judgements in the Future." - Vice President Dan Quayle
"The future will be better tomorrow." - Vice President Dan Quayle
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history." - Vice President Dan
Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - Vice President
Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - Vice
President Dan Quayle
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Vice
President
Dan Quayle
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls."- Vice President Dan Quayle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L. A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who
is to
blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame." - Vice President Dan Quayle
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not
having it."- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in
Esquire, 8/92)
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Vice
President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." - Vice President Dan
Quayle,
9/5/90
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children." - Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Vice President
Dan
Quayle
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." - Vice
President Dan Quayle
Blessed be the little children ....
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense
of
order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked
the
little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just
before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to
the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
====================================================
A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At
this,
dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you
called God, "Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what
they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who
art
in Heaven, Harold be Thy name."
====================================================
And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
===================================================
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from
one
of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into
silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a
thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle...
And
He just then did!"
====================================================
One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to
rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake,
that's one less test I have to take."
===================================================
A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night. "Dear God, thank
you for these pancakes." When he concluded, his parents asked him why
he
thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken. He smiled and
said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."
=====================================================
A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my
mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take
care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a
big mess."
====================================================
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says
your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The
little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
======================================================
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just
say what you hear Mommy say, " the mother said. The little girl bowed
her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people
to dinner?"
======================================================
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he
emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then
said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you
not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not
misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
======================================================
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
*************************************************************************
*
****
There is a God
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher
was
going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy:
Teacher: Tommy do you see the tree out side?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass out side?
Tommy: Yes.
Teacher: Go out side and look up and see if you can see the sky.
Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
Teacher: Did you see God?
Tommy: No.
Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
Teacher
agreed and she asked the boy:
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
Tommy: Yes.
Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
Little girl Did you see the sky?
Tommy: Yessssss
Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
Tommy: Yes
Little Girl Do you see her brain?
Tommy: No
Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?
Three guys, a Nebraskan, a Texan and an Oklahoman, are out walking
together
one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will
give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Nebraskan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska." With a
blink
of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Nebraska was forever made
fertile
for farming.
The Texan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Texas, so that
no
foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of
the
Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Texas.
The Oklahoman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet
thick
and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out." The
Oklahoman says, "OK. Fill it up with water."
Here's another St. Patty's Day yarn......
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the par and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course!", comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland!"
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"
The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's." replied the second man. "I graduated in '63."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '63, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
Subject: Old Ladies
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst
themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke and the third old lady, well, she couldn't reach that far.
Subject: POOF
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long
life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill
three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an
exquisite young woman, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single,
weak, hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome
prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned
into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young
man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone
could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely
smitten.
As the handsome young man approached, her knees
weakened. He bent down toward her, brushing his lips across
her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me
neutered."
Last minute thinking:
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St.
Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name
is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book,
furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name
written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why
do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn
type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to
God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for
the update to come through, can tell me about a really good
deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there
was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a
giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I
slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of
'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car,
grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader
of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a
studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his
ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle
around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone!
You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before
I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
Oh Oh!
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned
to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene
was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically
called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was
assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped
in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they
were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the
photographer, "and make three or four low level
passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer,
and photographers take pictures!" said the
photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're
not the instructor?"
This is not my fault. I got it from someone else. I am only sending it to
responsible people who I know will not send it on to others with my name on it!
Bill
Mrs Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game
where one pupil starts drawing on the board then, one by one, other pupils add to it. She thinks about the game and decides not to start with Johnny Spinosi because he is so naughty and always has some "unusual" picture in mind. She instead decides to start with Jane. Jane goes up to the chalk board and says: "This is a house"
/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
I I
I I
I I
I I
The teacher replies, "Good, Jane!" and asks Peter to draw next.
Peter goes to the board and says "This is the front door to the house"
/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
I I
I __ I
I I I I
I I_ I I
The teacher replies, "Very good, Peter" and calls on Mary next. Mary goes to the front of the classroom and says, "This is snow on the roof of the house"
/\
/UU\
/ \
/ \
I I
I __ I
I I I I
I I_ I I
The teacher says "Very nice, Mary" and calls on Stevie Stevie goes to the chalkboard and says, "And this is the sun over the house."
\I/
>O <
/I\
/\
/UU\
/ \
/ \
I I
I __ I
I I I I
I I_ I I
The teacher replies "very nice, Stevie" and thinks to herself that there
is not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture now so she asks
Johnny to come to the board.
Johnny walks up to the chalkboard and says, "And this is my dad, trying to pick up the soap when he dropped it in the shower."
___ ____
/ \/ \
I \I/ I
I >O < I
I /I\ I
I /\ I
I /UU\ I
I / \ I
I / \ I
I I I I
I I __ I I
__ I I I I I I___
I ____ I I_ I I______I
Scientists Tackle 'Peeps' Riddle
Filed at 2:31 p.m. EST
By The Associated Press
ATLANTA (AP) -- The question baffled two Emory
University researchers: What are Peeps -- those
marshmallow birds that appear in stores around Easter --
anyway?
On a sugar buzz after devouring ice cream sundaes with
one too many Peeps on top, Gary Falcon and Jim Zimring
set out to explain the colorful, spongy creatures.
``We were really just wondering what Peeps were after
eating a dozen or two and so we immediately went to the
kitchen and started trying to boil them,'' said Falcon, a
computer administrator at the Atlanta school.
Falcon and Zimring, a medical student, were astounded
that Peeps didn't dissolve in water. In fact, the only liquid
they could dissolve the candy in was phenol, a chemical
used for dissolving proteins.
Their conclusion: Peeps aren't mostly sugar after all. They
are made of gelatin, sugar and corn syrup.
After that discovery, the researchers decided Peeps
deserved a more rigorous examination.
They tested the birds' reaction to cold by submerging them
in liquid nitrogen. The result: They froze. They tested
Peeps' reaction to low-pressure environments by putting
them in a vacuum. The result: They shriveled up.
And because the candy is often found in party
environments, they tested Peeps' reaction to alcohol and
cigarettes. When a Peep was floated in rubbing alcohol with
a lit cigarette in its mouth, it ended up as a ball of charred
goo.
Falcon and Zimring's next goal, inspired by John Glenn's
return to space, is to study the effects of space travel and
aging on the Peep population. They wouldn't say how they
plan to get the birds into space.
The researchers, both 29, didn't receive any grant money
for their tests, but were careful to use scientific methods.
``The results might be absolutely useless, but it is science
more or less,'' Falcon said.
They used an Emory lab, which was OK with the school.
``We've watched this with amusement,'' spokeswoman
Nancy Seideman said.
So has Just Born, the Bethlehem, Pa., company that makes
Peeps. ``We make candy,'' said spokeswoman Rose Craig,
``and candy is supposed to be fun.''
Kids advice to kids. Pretty smart kids!
------------------------------------
Never trust a dog to watch your food. (Patrick, age 10)
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer
him. (Heather, 16)
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. (Michael, 14)
Stay away from prunes. (Randy, 9)
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
(Taylia, 11)
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your
school assignment. (Traci, 14)
Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers. (Mitchell, 12)
Remember puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
(Andrew, 9)
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. (Kyoyo, 9)
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (Armir, 9)
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. (Kellie, 11)
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. (Naomi, 15)
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.(Lauren, 9)
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. (Joel,
10)
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone. (Alyesha, 13)
Never try to baptize a cat. (Eileen, 8)
From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". They're things
people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses
by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses
given by insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
Subject: Lost Sartre Diaries
These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with
food. Apparently, Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to
write a cook book that "will put to rest all notions of flavor forever."
The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.
October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually
eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rush home immediately to begin
work. How excited I am. I have begun my formula for a Denver omelette.
October 4
Still working on the omelette. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep
creating omelettes one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea,
but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelette
that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, but instead they taste
like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back.
Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested
paprika.
October 6
I have realized that the traditional omelette form (eggs and cheese) is
bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarettes, some coffee, and
four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my
journey is still long.
October 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional
dishes in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I
tried this recipe:
Tuna Cassarole
Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven.
Place a chair facing the oven and sit on it.
Think about how hungry you are.
When night falls, do not turn light on.
While a void is expressed in the recipe, I am struck by it's
inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize
that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am
becoming more and more frustrated.
October 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook.
Rather, I now seek a recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of
man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater
with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To
this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of food stuffs from the corner
grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After
several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a
cup of flour and four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I
am afraid I still have much work ahead.
November 15
Today I made a black forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live
beaver, challenging the very definition of cake. I was very pleased.
Malraux admired it greatly but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel
this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it
in the Betty Crocker Bake Off.
November 30
Today was the day of the Bake Off. Alas, things did not go as I had
hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty
Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling a
blue spruce in less that ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than
a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I received
third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.
December 1
I have been gaining twenty five pounds a week for two months and I am now
experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate
solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to
impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and
coffee.
Good lines:
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
-Larry Miller
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!"
-Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men
are
just grateful.
-Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't
know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want
it.
-Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention
to
women's breasts?
-Jay Leno
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle
maintenance.
-Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see
the
enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will
choose your rest home.
-Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent
because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going
from semi- automatics to Uzis.
-Conan O'Brien
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think
there's a lot they don't know. women do. Women want to learn. Men
think,
I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a
plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded.
-Tim Allen
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that
the Vatican has overlooked.
-Bill Cosby
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street.
-Steven Wright
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And
she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
-Gary Shandling
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy
CATHOLIC MATH...........
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took
Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on
his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to
his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the
room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him
down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to
his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard
as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on
the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great
trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A
in math.
She can no longer hold her curiosity.
She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little
Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when
I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Police Stop.................................
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when
I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it,
I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box
when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot
and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed
her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can
see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told
you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped
you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole
the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was
a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
! 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to &! gt; humans, drink
1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little beast's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
(or, how to write good...)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E-coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that as actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
NEW WORDS FOR 2003 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
OCE SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. (From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located).
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no
matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
Jokes 1
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