Jokes from the Internet II
Jokes 1 Jokes 3
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm
shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just
have to be a little patient."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his
supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the
way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It
turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather
than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who
has a Tates is lost!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely
nothing to go on."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on
an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Do you work with any of these people??
I went inside a McDonalds one time and ordered 2 ice cream cones. I was asked if they were for here or to go and said "What difference does it make?" The girl behind the counter said "I can't let you have them if you don't answer my question". I said "One is for here and one is to go". I then paid for the 2 cones and left.
IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge,
how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken.
We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.
Dogs:
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
--Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --
Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half
a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne
Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as
the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his
life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to
the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such
devotion." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great
Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are
nuts." -- John Steinbeck
Different Strokes
Apparently the computer giant, IBM, decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they stated that they will only accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. It said, "We Japanese had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment.
Hope this pleases you."
They're still laughing about this at IBM.
Benefits of getting older?
Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
Fruitcake Recipe (Just in time for Christmas preparations!!)
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.
SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family.
In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns.
Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.
HEREDITY
It has been established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.
OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
PREVENTION
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity, and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
Self-test for literature abuse. How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning, or before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I had finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
8. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my fiction reading is out of control.
If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a serious problem.
DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path-don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, 'I can't stop reading Spencer.' By the time you visit her dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too ate.
What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you won't abandon her- but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: 'I found this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?' Ask the hard question- 'Who is this Count Vronsky?'
3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Praise her brother, the engineer. Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.
You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies:
* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
* She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner, or any scene from the Lake District.
Most important, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.
THE LAST WORD
Y2K -- Part 1
AND NOW BACK TO WHERE IT ALL STARTED --Y0K :
Subject: Y0K
While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, December 15th, 1 BC -- about 2,000 years ago. The text of the message follows:
Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC:
Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.
You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus the astrologer, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrahard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind.... As for myself, I just can't see
the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over.
I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y0K problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further
develops. And if you have any ideas, please let me know.
Plutonius
Y2K -- Part 2
AND WE STILL HADN'T LEARNED OUR LESSON BY -- y1k:
An Article from a London Newspaper (circa 999 AD) Canterbury, England.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem. Just how did this disaster in the making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned?
Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be rewritten to accommodate three extra syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.
"We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse – The Latin word for Thousand is Mille, which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won't know whether we are talking about time or distance!"
Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.
A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival. Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.
Y2K -- Part 3
(Report due January 15th!)
Subject: How to clean the cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape)
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge,
as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside,
and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
The story behind the letter below is that there is a guy in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway...here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this
in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior findings were loathe to contradict your analysis. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without
going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed
taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly! You should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theory surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
Tech repair form:
1.Describe your problem:
________________________________________________________________
2.Now, describe the problem accurately:
________________________________________________________________
3.Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
________________________________________________________________
4.Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5.Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__
6.Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7.Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8.Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9.Have you made it worse? Yes__
10.Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it
for you? Yes__No__
11.Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12.Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13.Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14.Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15.If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__No__
16.If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
________________________________________________________
17.What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
__________________________________________________________
18.If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
__________________________________________________________
19.Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20.Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21.Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22.Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__No__
23.Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__No__
24.Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__No__
25.Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__No__
26.Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27.Can you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
TOP SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE '90'S
15. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
14. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready and he e-mails
you back "What's for dinner?"
11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa but haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
9. Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
8. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And, now sell it for 1/2 the price you paid.
6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.
5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food out of the back seat of your car.
4. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
2. You refer to your dining room table as the 'flat filing cabinet'.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S IS.......................
1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
UNDERSTANDING AND WRITING SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH PAPERS
The following list of phrases and their definitions
might help you understand the mysterious language of
science and medicine. These special phrases are
applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D., dissertation,
or academic paper anywhere!
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the
original references.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are
practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE
ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful
experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED
STUDY"...The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...This is the prettiset
graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE SHOWN IN SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...I
might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...Once!
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...Twice!
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...Thrice!
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...I think...
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...A couple of others
might think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"...Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE
SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...Three pages
of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass
of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUGH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE
REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS
PHENOMENA OCCURS"...I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...They don't
understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE
EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE
DISCUSSIONS"...Mr Blotz did the work, and Ms. Adams
explained it to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT ARE FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...A
totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...I quit.
Statements to Ponder
A few statements to ponder from George Carlin:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say
it.
28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
39. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
40. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
41. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
42. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
43. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
44. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
George Carlin Strikes Again...
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?
15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
18. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
19. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
20. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
21. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
22. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
23. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
24. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
25. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
26. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their
final exam.
27. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
28. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?
29. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
30. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
31. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
32. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
33. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
34. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
35. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?
God bless him!
Remarks made by Eugene Ormandy and collected by the Phildelphia
Orchestra:
"Congratualations to each and every one of you for the concert last
night in New York and vice versa."
"Who is sitting in that empty chair?"
"I'm conducting slowly because I don't know the tempo."
"I conduct faster so you can see my beat."
"I cannot give it to you, so try to watch me."
"I was trying to help you, so I was beating wrong."
"I am thinking it right but beating it wrong."
"I can conduct better than I count."
"I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn't."
"I purposefully didn't do anything, and you were all behind."
"Why do you always insist on playing while I'm trying to conduct?"
"Even when you are not playing you are holding me back."
"Don't follow me, because I am difficult."
"It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is."
"The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong."
"I wrote it the right way, so it was copied the wrong way right. I mean
the right way wrong."
"At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo.
It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69."
"It is not together, but the ensemble is perfect."
"Someone came too sooner."
"Start beforty-two."
"Start three bars before something."
"Start at B. Yes. No. Yes. No."
"Did you play? It sounded very good."
"Intonation is important, especially when it is cold."
"Beauty is less important than quality."
"If you don't have it in you part, leave it out, because there is enough
missing already."
"Percussion a little louder." ["We don't have anything."] "That's
right, play it louder."
"More basses, because you are so far away."
"I need one more bass less."
"There are no woodwinds at number 6." [The woodwinds say they are at
number 15.] "I know. That is why."
(To the tubist) "Long note? Yes. Make it seem short."
"Brass, stay down all summer."
"Don't play louder, just give it more."
"Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush."
"I don't want to repeat this a hundred times. When you see crescendo it
mean p."
"The tempo remains pp."
"It's difficult to remember when you haven't played it before."
"We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the
airplane.
"Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn't here."
"Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it,
approximately."
"With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight. He is a
wonderful man, and so is his wife."
"Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it
soft."
"Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth Symphony. I mean
the fourth movement of his First Symphony. We play it third."
"The trumpet solo will be played by our solo trumpet player. It's
named"Blumine," which has something to do with flowers."
"That's the way Stravinsky was. Bup, Bup, Bup, Bup."
"The poor guy's dead now. Play it legato."
"Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days."
"It's all very well to have principles but when it comes to money you
have to be flexible."
"Thank you for your cooperation and vice versa."
"I mean what I meant."
"I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say something similar."
"Let me explain what I do here. I don't want to confuse you any more
than absolutely necessary."
"I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to."
"Relax. Don't be nervous. My God, it's the Philadelphia Orchestra."
Subject: 24 Prerequisites to Being a Liberal
1) You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
2) You have to be against capital punishment, but for abortion on demand--in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
3) You have to believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9) You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pesky activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.
12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Dwight Eisenhower or Thomas Edison.
17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
19) You have to believe Hilary Clinton is really a lady and Janet Reno is not really a man.
20) You have to believe that conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.
21) You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked everywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
22) You have to believe that the same government that can't deliver the mail on time can provide health care and internet service to all Americans.
23) You have to believe that a man like Al Sharpton speaks for the inner city but Charlton Heston speaks only for the crazed right wing.
24) You have to believe that our involvement in Vietnam and Desert Storm was wrong but that killing Serb civilians was OK.
Administratium:
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium". Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 Assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You will know it when you see it.
IT Support
Dear Technical Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, PLEASE!!!
Thanks,
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.
The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."
The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"
The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you
Jokes 1 Jokes 3
|